August 29 1973

Childhood    (and other lapses of memory)
     "When I was your age" I had only three chores- always left in various stages of completion. Somehow I always has something better to do.
   One chore was my bedroom. I don't really remember why it was called the bedroom- most of the time finding the bed was a mere stroke of accident- something directly related to a miracle. I was always very careful about hanging my clothes on the rocking chair, and placing my shoes inside the bedroom door-somewhere. I was very systematic about my clothes closet.
  Rule I Never hang clothes up in the closet unless it was empty and Mom was bordering hysteria.
  Rule II When you run out of clean clothes before you run out of week- always raid moms closet (but only after she leaves for work)
  Rule III Conveniently fail to remember where the hamper is. Dirty clothes are essential to one's memories. By looking through stacks of dirty clothes, one can recall the events of the past week (or two). Once the clothes are removed to the hamper all the memories of the past week events are totally erased (I guess that's one way to lose our childhood)
  Another chore was the washing of the family clothes. A very traumatic event- erasing all those memories. Besides- it was hard work.
      Step I Gather all the dirty clothes; we lived in a thirteen room house. Each room upstairs had a hamper. That was five hampers to empty and remove contents to the basement. By this time I had already missed at least half of one of my favorite cartoon shows.
      Step II Put a load of clothes in the wash. This was always done with speed and efficiency. After all- no t.v. or radio in the basement and I wouldn't want to miss a thing.
      Step III Go upstairs and plunk my butt in front of the TV and wait. Today I notice that kids wait for the commercials. Back when I was a kid I waited just long enough for moms nagging to end in "I'll do it myself!" I was then properly motivated (like ejection -for all intents- from a nosediving jet) and remove my completely relaxed body to the basement where I would hang one load and put another in the wash.
     Step IV- Step ? Repeat above process only as many times as necessary to have Mom lose her voice, temper and (she's sure) her mind.
    The last chore I had was the ironing. Many a strange phenomena occurred about this time (the ironing board and iron were located in the basement) Hopefully it would be after sunset by the time I got the wash done and having conveniently developed a "terrible fear" of the dark and damp, lonely basement, Mom surely wouldn't insist that I go the dungeon to iron. If that didn't work then I could sprain my wrist or insist that the iron "wasn't working right". If all else failed, I could always iron.
     Gee I wish I had some childhood memories like everyone else.

January 10 1982

Sunday pm

I’m all settled in at Marge’s.  I have my own room and bath and pretty much “at home” privileges.  Now all I need is a job.  After settling in, Jim and the babies left and we just sat and talked.  Marge didn’t want to talk about what happened between she and Bob right now, but it is very obvious it was painful. 

Went to neighbors for “cocktails.”  I drank lemonade while the rest drank wine.  They are lovely and friendly.  Marge seems glad to have me.  Hope I don’t wear out my welcome.

I’m feeling very detached from my family and church right now.  Almost a feeling of abandonment.  I guess I chose this cause of action so I’ll have to stick with it.  I HAVE TO MAKE IT! Marge is very supportive as is Jim so I know I’ll succeed.   It, as usual, would be easier with lots of support – maybe it’s not supposed to be easy. 

January 9 1982

Saturday

Jim borrowed a friend’s car and we went downtown to do the laundry.  At this particular Laundromat you pay 85 cents for the wash – the drying is fee.  We came home in time to eat, change clothes then run to Marge’s, then over to the Capitol to see the fireworks and laser show.  It was spectacular!  I’ve never seen fireworks to compare.

Back to Marge’s for dinner.  We discussed my morning there.  She has a single bed for me and dresser.  I explained that I’m broke – she didn’t seem disturbed, but I explained that as quickly as I’m employed I want to contribute to the home funds – she said I could chip in for food.  It will be a quiet existence and I think I’m going to like that.  Hope I can get a job right away.  Sure could use one.  Also, must get on with losing weight.  These pig-outs have got to come to an end. 

I’ll be moving over to Marge’s sometime early this afternoon.  Would like to go over to the capitol one day this week.  They have just fully restored it – it’s beautiful. 

I’m a bit depressed over my church.  Can it be me? I called for help from my church and they’ve not even had the courtesy to call me back.  I told them I was without a home, or money or job and I’ve had no response from them.  I called again the other day and the Bishop’s wife sound annoyed that I had called again.  She said he was swamped.  I guess he was too busy to even make a phone call.  I’m trying not to blow this up but it keeps happening to me, time and time again.  Is this some kind of a refiners fire or is my church really that way, telling me one thing, doing something else?  I’ve always been told – if you need help – call the church, but when I do it never seems to offer me the kind of help I need.  I’ll not call again.  I’m very disappointed.  How can I ask Jim to count on the church for help when I, a member, can’t seem to get any.  I’ll write Bob later this morning.  Maybe he can offer me some suggestions.  

January 8 1982

Friday

A really quiet day – made package choc chip cookies that taste like soap – yuks!  Today I feel depressed and very, very disappointed in myself.  I’m also tired of not having any money.

What a party tonight.  Lots of friends, beer pouring, wrestling, mucho laughs and jokes.  Even a pater party.  Most of the party was in good taste.  It was over by 2 am. 

January 7 1982

Thursday

Very cold (30 degrees).  Started the “drudge” this morning – and everything I need is in the missing box – thrills.  We go to dinner at Marge’s tonight.  Jim wants me to take a bus to 21^st street, downtown – he’ll meet us there.

Jim called and he’ll come get us at 5:30.  I’ve been scrubbing the kitchen floor, it really looks super.  I feel like I’ve learned my keep today!  Cleaned the bath then took a long hot shower, boy do I feel good.  Think I’ll fix a hot cup of tea – then study the scriptures.  Yesterday I started reading Job 1-20.

Thursday pm

Went to Marge’s for dinner.  I haven’t seen Marge for quite some time, but she hasn’t changed.  Always cordial, warm and delightful.  She has a lot of insight and understanding.  She has experienced so much in her life.

Her apartment is gorgeous.  And one must be physically fit.  You enter the at ground level – the garage – up one flight – living room with fire place, dining room, kitchen and bath.  Up one more flight – two very large bedrooms and two dressing rooms and adjoining baths.  One bedroom has a balcony which overlooks a tremendous pool. 

She said we could talk about my staying there with her.  I might like that if there weren’t many demands put on me.  I don’t want to make too many commitments til I hear from Bishop Saxton.  But her place is right down town and I’m sure there must be a job opening somewhere down there for me. 

I also met the babysitter tonight.  She’s young, with a young baby and is really sweet and pleasant.  I know the kids will do fine once they are acclimated.  Jim is going to start taking them Monday – which means I’ll be free to look for a job. 

When we got back from Marge’s, John T and John C where drinking and smoking pot.  Dan doesn’t seem to get into it – maybe his diabetes keeps him from it.  Gail was already in bed.

Everyone finally crashed around 10:30 and so am I – I’m bushed!  We made a date with Marge for Saturday afternoon to go to some Lasol Show Symphony.  I suppose we’ll discuss my morning in. Then, manana I’ll call the Bishops wife and see if I can get a clue. 

January 6 1982

Wednesday

Gail and John got up about noon.  They seem very pleasant.  They left almost immediately to go pick up her check, pay the rent and get groceries.  They returned later in the afternoon.  They were busy cleaning and repairing things.  I tried to look busy even tho I was bored.

‘I made fried rice for dinner.  Everyone but Dan ate – he wasn’t home.  John T calls me “Mom.”  He reminds me so much of Kenny.  We had a really fun evening with everyone with everyone at home and just enjoying one another. 

To bed around 10 pm. – I slept well.  The Bishop still didn’t call back and my box of clothes is still cruising Sacramento.  

January 5 1982

Tuesday

Alone in the house – I called Bishop Saxton – to see if I could get some help finding a place to live and a job.  Talked to Sis Saxton, she said she’d have the bishop call back.

Jenny, John and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  It was cold but fun.

Jim went grocery shopping tonite and we had tacos for dinner.  John and Dan drove to San Francisco to pick up Gail and John at the San Francisco Airport.  They arrived back home at about 2:30 am and went directly to bed. 

Still no clothes from Cindy’s trunk.

January 4 1982

Monday AM

Cold (36 degrees) and sunny.  Cleaned house, stripped bed, washed dishes.  Must get in touch with missionaries to have them take a Book of Mormon to Carol Barnett.  Just weighed in at 212 lbs.  I’m so discouraged.  Must get back on my diet and be much, much thinner when I get home.

The day is going great.  Sherry just called.  She wanted to come over to see the kids.  Lynn told her I was here.

Sherry, Grace and a friend Wes showed up to see the kids.  The visit went well.  No theatrics, thank heavens.  All went well – but they were going to get Lynn and take her to lunch – so she’ll catch it – must close to get ready to leave.  Lynn called and she did catch all the flack.

Flight went fairly well – kids were cranky from Tucson to Burbank and their ears hurt.  A nice airline employee – large in stature and pleasant in nature – helped us off the plane and settled us in the airport.  When our next plane was ready to board he showed up and got us settled on the next plane.  The kids were really good on this leg of the flight but we experienced really bad weather so all the kids (but ours) were sick.  Jim was there waiting.  He’d borrowed Cindy’s car and loaded a box and a couple of smaller pieces of luggage into the trunk – then lost the trunk key!

John and Dan were at home – they are nice young men – quiet and cheerful.  They made me feel right at home.  Gail and John, the other two “housemates” are still on vacation.  Jim slept with the kids – I sleep on the couch.

January 3 1982

Sunday

Lynn and her Home Teacher picked me up for church this pm.  I got to meet Jeff – the guy she’s so ga-ga over – I really didn’t see anything special in him – guess that’s just my opinion.  Pop still hasn’t come home.  Wonder how long he’s going to stay?

Haven’t heard from Carol – Sure hope they show up to take me to the airport tomorrow night.

Sunday PM

I’m in my usual packing mess.  I keep trying to put 40 lbs in a 20 lb sack.

Denise came by to confirm going time and Carol and Joe came by to visit a while.  Must remember to get a Book of Mormon to her.

I’m tired of packing – hope I get there in one piece.

January 2 1982

A sunshiny day although there are lots of dark clouds looming overhead.  I still have not been able to reach Marge.  It’s going to be a real mess if I arrive in Sacramento with two babies and nowhere to stay with them. 

It has begun to rain again.  The kind of day to relax, read a book and go nowhere!

Janice and her mom came after us and we went to the storage locker and did laundry.  Then we went to Bill’s had dinner, played uno.

Jim called right after we got home.  He had arrived very cold, but safely.

I’m so tired.  This merry-go-round is exhausting.  I guess I’m looking forward to some peace and quiet.  Just a couple of days more to get through.

January 1 1982

New Years Resolutions!

1.    Lose weight

2. Get a job.

3. Go home

4. Get a temple recommend

My future seems so uncertain that it’s hard to make plans.  The thought of going to Sacramento really scared me.  Somehow when Bob is by my side I can do anything, I feel so lost without him.  I am going to try to think positive about all of this.

Jim left about 7:30 this morn.  He’s heading into bad weather all the way.  My prayers are with him. 

I have been away from home almost a month now.  It’s not any easier not.  Bob is beginning to include me in his struggle.  He writes about  things happening at home and asks me to respond to it.  I wonder if he realizes what he is doing.  I am aware of how easy it is for me to fall into “rescue!”  I must talk to Bob about this. 

Grandaddy is due home any day now.  I’m trying to keep things kept up, without changing anything.  That’s easier with Jim gone.  Must write some letters. 

Janice and Joel came over this afternoon and took us for pizza this p.m.

December 31 1981

Thurs – New Years Eve

Got a big letter this morning from Bob and the boys.  I am very depressed. 

I called Pres Joens collect and explained it all to him.  I told him that Bob needs someone to talk to but I didn’t think he would be receptive to him but did not know who.  I was very upset. 

We all went to dinner tonight with Bob and Clause.  They are so special.

I finished Lynn’s quilt today and made three batches of jelly.  Returned Carol’s ring to her in a jar of jelly.  Boy is she going to be surprised!

We got all the boys packed and off to be shipped.  Jim leaves in the morning for Sacramento.  He’s heading into bad weather.  Hope it goes OK!

I’ve watched the new Year come in and I feel so all alone.

December 30 1981

Wednesday

Got a special delivery letter from Bob this AM just to say “I Love You!” Made my day!

Lenny, Barbara and Pam came for me for Lunch at Dominos.  What a blast – complete with tour of new buildings and Clinic.  Bob called tonite and we talked for one hour.  He really misses me. He had a dream that David was turning on the charm and I was having trouble.  I reassured him that I was not at all tempted, which is true. 

I have all the boxes packed.

Something that Bob said has made me very angry.  He told me that Pres Joens, by divine revelation, knew that the cause of our “breakup” was that Bob had committed adultery.  I know now that I mist talk to him – he’s dangerous! 

December 29 1981

Tuesday

Too sick to write.

December 28 1981

Monday PM

Carol came to pick me up we went to see Carol Shupp – Montague. She’s just as whacko as ever.  Then to my Mom’s for lunch and a quick game of scrabble.  Then to LARC to see David.  We really need the time alone to pay all that needs to be paid. 

He still loves me and feels like we has something really special, something that no one not even Linda can replace or change.  He is content with his life now.  He has been dry for three years and is making changes in his life and career.  He says I will always occupy a very special corner of his life.  He clings to out memories.  Linda still continues to think I’m a threat.  Chris and Jody came over tonight.  Denise was here for dinner.  We all went to get pizza.  Then I brought the babies home.  Jim and Denise went out to the mission to take photos.  As of not – Jim leaves on the motorcycle Wednesday and the babies and I will fly to Sacramento this weekend.  But – Bob will be talking to him manana so things may change. 

I should work on my New Years Resolutions.  

December 27 1981

Sunday

Lynn and her home teacher came to pick us all up this morning for church.  The kids were really good.  Carol Batt (Barnett) has united us all over dinner.  Think I’ll nap between not and then. 

To Carol’s for the evening.  Joe was well behaved.  I ate too much.  Spent a delightful evening seeing how much stuff I could “lift.”  Managed one seeker and turquoise ring (I left another on the Jackalopes Horn) and “the” cow head (minus one hour) Carol hasn’t changed and I guess neither have i.  We are going to stop and say Hi! to the other carol manana and then to my mom’s for lunch. 

David is working over on Miracle Mile by Grant Roaf.  He is a counselor at an alcohol rehab center there.  He’s fully bearded.  

December 26 1981

Saturday nite

What a day – David and Carol Batt and family arrived mid afternoon, like old home week.  By the time David left, Carol, Jim, the kids and I were all wound up.  Debbie’s fiancé and Jim fixed chili for dinner and we laughed, talked, played games and reminisced.  Debbie, Dennes, Denise and Jim went dancing till 12 midnight and all had fun.  To bed really late.

December 25 1981

Friday Nite

A really nice Christmas.  We picked up Lynn then went to Grandma Rice’s for Christmas.  We ate breakfast and opened gifts.  I got a Popcorn popper from Jim – a blouse and a sweater from Grandma Rice, a memo board from Lynn and a doily.  The kids got lots of toys.  Grandma got oodles – and a scrabble game.  So we played scrabble then ate.  Went over to Charlene’s to wish them all a very merry Christmas.  Grace was there.  They were all very surprised and expressed pleasure at being able to see the kids (John and Jenny). Jody was there.  She got a “Pre. Engagement Ring” from Chris.  We are going over there Saturday evening.  Back to Grandma’s got more Scrabble.  The kids called while there and everybody got to talk to Frank, Dee, Don, Liz and Karen. 

Tried calling Bob at Kathy’s – talked to Kathy, Bob was not there.  I sure miss him.  

December 24 1981

Thursday

Shopping, laundry – to Bob’s for dinner.  It was a wonderful festive occasion.  There were gifts for us all.  The children were well behaved.  Home late.  Carol Batt came by – she really looks terrible.  The strain is showing on her.  She’ll be by Saturday.  We are due to pick Lynn up to go to Grandma’s early tomorrow. 

Jenny wants to go back to Sacramento – he doesn’t want any more hassle from Dayle, can’t imagine why, but she wanted to take the kids with her to Mexico where her boyfriend is mining silver illegally.  He went as far as to make reservations for her and the kids for early January.  Lynn, Jim and I are seriously talking about all of us going and we could rent a house and it would be neat.  We have to talk about it more. 

December 23 1981

Wednesday

Went to see my mom, did some shopping, went to collect my boxes, ate breakfast at Jambo’s lunch (dinner) at Mom’s – Grandaddy’s to visit with Lynn.  

December 21 1981

Monday AM –

An ice storm during the night has left everything coated and hazardous.  I’m seeing another side of Kenny.  I don’t like what I see.  He’s angry when things don’t go his way.  You’d think that for the short time I’ll be here at the house they’d at least try to be mellow.  If it wasn’t for Bob – I really wished I’d not have not come back to the house.  The kids are being miserable – we’d have all been better off if I’s have just left the end of last week.  Can’t wait to leave.  John feeling much better, Jenny still sick.

Arrive at bus depot 5pm – Bus leaves 5:30 pm.  Checked the three large boxes – had to carry on two small boxes and sewing machine besides tote sack and kids. 

Monday PM

Bus broke down between Little Rock, Ark and Dallas, Tex.  A Greyhound bus stopped and picked us all up.  Since all my boxes, coats, etc were to the rear of the bus, I had to wait until everyone had left to get our stuff.  After being seated on Greyhound I discovered I’d left my purse on the old bus and had to go back. 

Arrived Dallas where a porter tried to put us on a bus to Atlanta, Ga.  Almost missed the bus to Tucson.

Both babies very sick – high fevers – neither hungry – forcing fluids.

Arrived Tucson 9:55 pm Tuesday evening.  Jim was there to meet us.  Went straight to Grandaddy Ewalds.  He was glad to see us.  

December 20 1981

Sunday noon –

I’m all packed – everyone is bathed and dressed – cleaned house, did dishes, left them a note of thanks.  Bob will be here soon.  Weatherman says that bad weather is on its way.  Hope it is nice for traveling tomorrow.  

December 19 1981

Saturday nite

I’m really looking forward to tomorrow – Christmas and a whole night with Bob. I have been imagining how wonderful and exciting it will be.  It’s like the courtship stage we never really had.  The thought of seeing him excites me.  I guess the kids are just as excited about Christmas as I am.  I’m glad Bob will not be going with us to the bus Monday.  Kathy is going with us all to Little Rock.  Talked to Jim today, he was preparing to leave for Tucson.  Called mom – she’s ready for us.  It’s late.  John seems better, Jenny still not good.  

December 18 1981

Friday PM

Bitter cold today 05 degrees and the volkswagon won’t start – finally called Bob – He, Ken and Tom arrived after dinner – Ken got the VW started – Bob and Kathy and I went to do laundry.  Ron found himself unemployed today, Kathy is very depressed.

Bob and I stayed in the car when we got back to Kathy’s – we talked and made out.  Then called his Dad and Pop said I could stay at his place. 

I hated to see Bob leave – I miss him so much already.

John and Jenny are both down with croupe – yuck. 

December 17 1981

Thursday PM

Brought Ken home from the hospital today, he was glad to get home.  We talked a lot about how everything is going.  Ken wants to get a job while he’s waiting to go on his mission.

John is croupy today.  Seems better tonight.  I’m feeling very emotional tonight, its drawing closer to the end of my world here and I’m feeling very frightened.  I feel like I don’t have anything here and there is nothing in Tucson – there isn’t even a place to stay – Lynn doesn’t want us, my mom can’t take us – I can’t find Carol Barnett.  Frankly, I’m scared.  No money, no home, no security.  If I was alone I wouldn’t worry but with two babies to take into consideration. 

December 16 1981

Wednesday, PM

Talked to Ken this AM – he will be coming home manana. Bob seemed happy at the prospects of Christmas before I go to Tucson.  As it stands not – we will have Christmas Sunday PM and we’ll leave for Tucson Late Sunday or early Monday.  I’m all ready – a few more gifts to complete.

Briefly talked to Pres Joeno.  He asked Kathy if I couldn’t work out my problems here- Kathy told him it was Bob’s problem and that I was doing what I had to. 

Kathy and I went to Salado to look at the trailer they might buy.  Not bad looking and they’d be debt-free in five years.  

December 15 1981

Tuesday AM

Called Dee and told her about Ken – got a 20 minute religious lecture.

Dropped the kids off at Sis Craig’s for the day, went to see Kenney.  He was in great spirits.  No pain – very little blood in urine.  He’s ready to go home.  Kathy made him candy and we bought him some things to keep him busy.  We played Triminos, Scrabble and Uno, laughed a lot and goofed around.  Ken is much better. 

Took my ring to the jeweler to have it repaired.  Stopped at the house – boys are not home – left a truck for Tom.  Drove back to Kathy’s.  Kathy and I shared feelings.  She is so understanding.  Truly love that woman. 

Called Mom tonight.  She’s all in a tizzie, as usual.  She makes herself sick with worry. 

My throat is sore and I have a fever.  I don’t feel well, to bed early. 

December 14 1981

Monday

Robin called this morning.  Ken is in the hospital.  After calling Bob at work – Found out that Ken is in Cleburne Co. Hospital with possible Kidney stone.  He was in pain when he arrived at 2am.

Talked to Ken – he still has a smile and a cheery word.  I’ll have Kathy take me home after work and pick up Ken’s car.  That way I’ll have transportation. 

Monday nite –

Went to the house to pick up car – keys in Bob’s car.  After Bob arrived with keys, he and I drove to Heber to see Ken.  He was in pain.  He has another clot in his kidney.  Will try to flush it out – if not – then surgery.  I’ll stay till we see which way it will go.

Bob and I had a long talk, the kids are concerned about his smoking again.  I voiced all my concerns – about his choice of books (found another one- worse than the first) and about his smoking also about our future. 

I’m going to have to leave – staying here defeats the whole purpose.  I keep wanting to rescue Bob and show him how to do everything the right way.  Must not make that mistake again.

Kathy and I are going to see Ken manana.  I must talk to him and explain what’s happening.  

December 13 1981

Sunday

Bob did not go to church today.  I was released from my callings today.  Bro and Sis Swope came by after church today.  Ron and Bro Swope gave me a blessing.

I spent the whole day tying Jim’s quilt.  It’s all done but the finishing.  Mother Nature strikes again.  I’m almost finished packing.  Almost wish I was leaving manana. 

I still have very mixed feelings.  I’m truly worried about Tom.  I’m concerned about this feeling of detachment I have about my family.  Hope I can get this all sorted out.  I worry that Bob will be unfaithful.  I worry about his priorities.  I truly wonder what he is thinking and feeling about all this.  Suppose I am experiencing something new – being out on my own – alone – 44 years old and it finally happened.  A truly strange feeling.

I wonder if Ken is going to take this OK.  I don’t know what Bob will say to him.  I don’t want him to postpone his mission. 

Sure hope I can find a job real quick – like – so I can start sending money to Bob.  That will help.  I would like to pay my Mom, Sears and American Airlines.  The taxes will take care of themselves.  Oh well – enough speculation – to bed.  I’m tired – it’s been another emotional day.  

December 4 1981

Left 

December 12 1981

I have been at Kathy’s for over a week now – 8 days to be exact.  I feel estranged from my family.  I feel like they really don’t even care.  They are at home and I am here and so be it.  A letter from Bob helped.
I feel like Bob has missed the whole point of my learning.  Maybe it just isn’t important enough to concentrate on the most important problems, like if he continues to ignore them they’ll go away.
They drove me out and I may have to face the fact that things at home may never change.  I guess I have the prospects of being a real loser.
All the arrangements are made and I leave Tuesday morning and arrive Tucson on Wednesday after 2 pm.
Kathy and I have been tying quilts to get them done before I leave.
Kathy has been very supportive through all of this.  She is such a true friend.  Wish I could repay her kindness.  Maybe I’ll find a way someday.
It’s very late and I’m sleepy.  I worry about Tom and what this is doing to him.
I told Bob in my last letter that I’d gone west so I guess he thinks I’ve already gone.  Hope he goes to church with the boys tomorrow.